Dear God,

I was just wondering if you have any plans to make me feel important, mattered, appreciated, special or lets just say, happy? Cos if you do, i think you have left me out of the equation. I haven been feeling any of those recently. I may be small and unseen, but i just want to let you know that I'm still here, waiting. I hope you notice me soon. No pressure!

Love, Sam.

I just had an afternoon nap and i had this dream. I have this weird good memory of remembering my dreams (It's not a good thing by the way). If i were to remember a particular dream, it will be stuck with me the entire day or till the next time i fall asleep again. Yes, i remembered the most recent fresh dream from an hour ago. It's bugging me cos it's not a good dream and it sucks if it really comes true. D:


At 9.33pm, it's so hard to stop thinking of you and wondering how you are ):

I miss us at 18.

SAY HI TO MY NEW FRIEND! HE'S PINK AND GAY AND HE'S A HIPPO! HE'S SO CUTE.

We had our first encounter at IKEA. PINKGAYHIPPO caught my eye amongst the whole push trolley filled with other animals. HEEEHEEE i'm so happy. He accompanies me when i am studying; he looks at me intently; he is my source of destress; I talk to him when i have no one. He's my study buddy! :D

"I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough."

-The Notebook-

that i saw a shooting star!!



This is close to what i saw after staring at the sky for 5 and 1/2 hours. The shooting star happened so quickly that with a blink of an eye, it was gone. It lasted less than a second and it's either you see it, or you dont. I caught a couple of those and every time i spot it, i quickly made a wish. It's a split second kind of excitement! The sky was filled with thick cotton candy clouds and at the moment while lying on the grass looking up towards the sky, i wished you were beside me, sharing that excitement i had and accounting to you what i was feeling. It was such a calming effect, just by looking at the stars against the dark dark sky.

As for my studying progress, i am just so screwed. Never felt so unprepared.


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//edited

i've got so much to say, but somehow sometimes it's best kept in the head.

I miss being a 90's kid.

and i really love to watch HEY ARNOLD, ROCKET POWER, WILD THORNBERRYS, AS TOLD BY GINGER! <3
MIGHTY DUCKS TOOOO!

okay! I'm going to Japanese garden for the first time to catch a glimpse of the METEOR SHOWER! I hope i do see it (:

This week marks the start of reading (study) week and the exams begin next week. Lots of cramping and self motivation to go. Somehow i don't have the drive and motivation to do anything at all. If i could, i would just dump everything that is going on and jet off to somewhere to be alone and away from all these mess and tangled emotions inside.

Other than the usual study schedules to school, there were two saving grace worth mentioning.

1) I got back my soci assignments and term paper. I did pretty well. B+ for a term paper is v good by my standards. I let out a sigh of small relief inside. I was worried sick about the paper since i felt that i didn't handled the paper the way it should be. So there, all the worrying was for nothing.

2) Just when i thought it's yet another lonesome trip home from school.. i coincidentally bumped into ernest at the bukit timah bus stop. He was wearing his army uniform and i didn't notice him at first. I was still in the sleepy mood when i got down the 151. It's something refreshing talking face to face for the first time with someone you've known since you were 14. Weird huh. He was going home and it was the same way as i was going. We took the same bus and we talked on the ride home. It was nice. Real nice. I was smiling inside :D Brings back the times i had a small crush on him HAHAHA.

I like unexpected coincidences like this. (:

Abigail @ 3 months old (i think). heehee. Saw her during mass today! She's so cute and adorable! She's so inquisitive and likes turn her head to look around her surroundings. She likes to frown her can't-be-seen eyebrows as if she is worrying/thinking what are the strange people looking at her making funny noises. She has this baby smell that i loveee and skin that is flawlessly soft. My mom has been complimenting her ever since i showed her this picture. Sorry for the over enthusiastic mood here. It's beeen a long time the extended family has a baby. She's such a darling. AWWWW <3

Look here i am lying on my bed, typing this as i reminisce about everything. 

And for what it is worth, i remember every detail that we spent together. 

so long my friend, don't say goodbye
just give me one last kiss beneath this glowing sky.
we'll go walking through the park
and hang out in the rain.
tell a joke and watch me smile
as we drink away the day.

and know the next time that you make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do and every night
I'm all alone in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you.

hello again, it's been to long.
what happened to our love
since the last time I was gone?

I detach myself again
and lose something everytime. 
the solutions in the problem temporarily alright.

and know the next time that you make a wish upon a star
that sometimes it might actually come true.
our conversation can't consist of hello and goodbye
and the silence between saying I love you.
and sometimes I wonder 'bout that too.

This is it sam. You know this is finally the time you dread and you need to let go. It finally came. You know you had to say all those advice and you meant it inside. I am so proud of you to say it with such maturity that was undiscovered previously. I am proud you were a friend and not an emotional gripping bitch. Even though you will have second thoughts in the future (or maybe nearer, like tmr), just remind yourself that it's worth it, to make him happy. (:

Retracing the steps, and wondering where did it went wrong or what i did not do. Or it's simply not meant to be. 

/editied - 
Mental Note:
Stop doing what you are doing; Stop thinking; Stop searching for answers. You'll be fine. 

You had your fun and it can still continue if you stop pitying yourself.  
Smile because you still have good memories to keep. (:

Yes, a big bold strike off for today. Will do better for tomorrow. 

No prizes for guessing who's hands are those!

Dear Ethan, do you know you are very adorable and cute and small and did i mention cute! I want to kidnap you and bring you home! hahaha.

i am a total wreck. I think i lead a really unhealthy lifestyle. and my head is spinning.

I am very bothered by everything these days. My patience run as thin as a piece of paper. I am upset with the whole world and clearly it's because i blame everyone else except me. I blamed you (and got you pissed), i blamed school, i even blamed God for making me such a fool. I'm sorry if it makes any difference at all. I should go and face the wall and reflect. I think i need to be strong for myself. Have the determination to fix things and deal with things alone. sigh. 

I wish i was back in the secondary school days when you dont have much to worry and bother. School, swimming and wearing the Ij uniform with pride. I was doing fine with school work, i swam relatively well and i just enjoyed after school trips to compass point. I would give anything to have that old lifestyle! ANYTHING. 

P.S: I just want to do the right thing, cos i just want you to be happy. 

I am glad things ended well. Really glad in fact. It will get back to normal. One step at a time. I can see my mood becoming better. 

I have been on a lousy streak since the start of Nov. Things are not going as planned. Assignments and projects catching up on me. Even the weather is playing a trick on me. Like for today, before i left the house, it was bright and sunny so i didn't bring my jacket out. When i reached the school grounds, it was raining like no tomorrow. I was in a top and shorts. I was freezing, teeth chattering and shivering.  Serene and i camped at the canteen to do our assignment. Cold + sleepy = first part of question 1 done. hurhur

Oh while doing our assignment, we made a discovery. The weirdest guy of all time has a girlfriend. We concluded she must be a "foreign bride". Took a pic and mass send to everyone - GG Style. Exciting much!  Then it came to our minds, even the weirdest guy has a girlfriend, why dont we have a boyfriend! What has the world come to.. working in reversals!?

Anyway, my mom bought KOI bubble tea for me. Okay i kinda begged for it. And it was the only thing that is worth smiling about. It made me happy for a while. So things ended well is the second thing worth smiling. i hope for the rest of the week, i have more stuff to smile about. I need more smiles in my life. I am becoming one of those people we always laugh about. Not good. 

Ice cream pls?

That kiss from one year ago shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't. I am more than sure it shouldn't have happened. Even though it was awesome, it shouldn't have happened. Just shouldn't.