I hereby declare that:

#1 I don't want anymore gloomy sky like tonight or last night. I don't want to have a dark cloud over my head whenever i walk around. I don't want to pull long faces and feel like the world owes me.

#2 I wont show any more attitude towards him and no more sarcastic remarks. I thought saying those remarks will hurt him and i thought it might make me feel better - to let him know how hurt i was. But i guess i was being selfish and mean. It didn't make things any better, it made it worse. Much worse. And it hurts even more saying it to him. So i am going to stop. It's not worth throwing 4 years of good friendship.

#3 I will try to make my world a better place. I want clear night skies and pretty stars. I will try my best to add new bright stars to my night sky.

#4 I want to smile and feel liberated.

#5 I want to let go and move on. (All these signs - it's God's way of telling me to do that)

#6 I want to be strong mentally and emotionally. I need to take control of my emotions.

#7 I want to repair the friendship that i was responsible for breaking.

#8 I want to feel loved again.

i wish you would call

The thought of that reminded me when we were studying for A levels. How we would study together at our fav place - bishan library - in the day, queuing up outside the library at 10am and rushing up to the 3rd level for seats. Eating at our "fav" s11 coffee shop and eating at his "fav" wanton mee stall and chicken rice too.
And at night, i would study real hard because i know his call or his messages would always be a treat that leaves me smiling till the next morning i see him again. Those were the days i treasure the most. I would give up anything to have that back again. To be honest, i don't even know if he remembers those times.

Exam periods are the worst for me. The bulk of stress is simply too much to take and he's always around to make it better ever since year one, sem one. He would drop me texts and msges to check on me, to ask how am i coping, to ask how was my paper, to wish me all the best or simply just asking how was my day. Sounds sweet? It is. And here comes this sem, those texts and msges stopped, and i miss all of it and it made me realise how i took it for granted and never knew dealing all these stress on my own is THAT difficult. Me having the every urge to call and vent the frustration of exams or maybe just telling him about my day.

But i don't dare. I don't know whether is it appropriate now. I don't know if he wants to hear me. So i wish he would call. I wish he could give up a few minutes of his time talking to the girl and call me.

Call to say hello, you are not forgotten.

Hello strangers who comes here, that small boy is called Ethan! The boy i was talking about in one of my previous post! He looks much cuter than he looks on the pic!

To Nette: He finally changed his swimming attire! No more loose loose oversized diving suit that sinks him! He got a new pair of trucks that has a cute picture of a whale at the buttt! More macho looking! When he came to the pool, he was wearing a bathrobe ok! So damn cute! He was damn shy pleasee! haha We kept teasing him cos he exposed so much flesh for the first time. lol. He still looks cuter in googles and cap. :D

That everyone, is my saturday treat!

The small little satisfaction you get when you see those small kids improving with every step.
Much more fulfilling than investing in stupid dumb relationships and emotions.

Before i was 18, i never had the habit of looking up at the sky when it was dark. I paid no attention to the stars or the moon.

And then when i was 18, Somebody made me notice the beauty of the stars. He taught me that stars can only be seen when the sky is clear and pitch dark. We used to talk stuff related to the stars. He used to tell me the stars he saw in Aust when he was 17. I painted a nice picture of meteor showers and shooting stars in my head, hoping one day i will be able to see what he saw.

Now, at 21, i have cultivated the habit ever since, of looking up at the stars and gazing upon those i spot blinking and calling out to me. I have attached a significant meaning to the stars i see - thinking if he's seeing the same one as i am. Does he stop and notice the stars too?

And today, while walking on the same route home from the bus stop, i made the conscious effort to look up at the clear dark sky. It was a pretty sight, with stars scattered here and there.

Except, i wasn't with the somebody that taught me to look at the stars.

HATE EXAMS.
(trying to be strong, but on the verge of breaking down)
i have poor stress management.
fuck.

Dear God,

I was just wondering if you have any plans to make me feel important, mattered, appreciated, special or lets just say, happy? Cos if you do, i think you have left me out of the equation. I haven been feeling any of those recently. I may be small and unseen, but i just want to let you know that I'm still here, waiting. I hope you notice me soon. No pressure!

Love, Sam.

I just had an afternoon nap and i had this dream. I have this weird good memory of remembering my dreams (It's not a good thing by the way). If i were to remember a particular dream, it will be stuck with me the entire day or till the next time i fall asleep again. Yes, i remembered the most recent fresh dream from an hour ago. It's bugging me cos it's not a good dream and it sucks if it really comes true. D:


At 9.33pm, it's so hard to stop thinking of you and wondering how you are ):

I miss us at 18.

SAY HI TO MY NEW FRIEND! HE'S PINK AND GAY AND HE'S A HIPPO! HE'S SO CUTE.

We had our first encounter at IKEA. PINKGAYHIPPO caught my eye amongst the whole push trolley filled with other animals. HEEEHEEE i'm so happy. He accompanies me when i am studying; he looks at me intently; he is my source of destress; I talk to him when i have no one. He's my study buddy! :D

"I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough."

-The Notebook-

that i saw a shooting star!!



This is close to what i saw after staring at the sky for 5 and 1/2 hours. The shooting star happened so quickly that with a blink of an eye, it was gone. It lasted less than a second and it's either you see it, or you dont. I caught a couple of those and every time i spot it, i quickly made a wish. It's a split second kind of excitement! The sky was filled with thick cotton candy clouds and at the moment while lying on the grass looking up towards the sky, i wished you were beside me, sharing that excitement i had and accounting to you what i was feeling. It was such a calming effect, just by looking at the stars against the dark dark sky.

As for my studying progress, i am just so screwed. Never felt so unprepared.


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//edited

i've got so much to say, but somehow sometimes it's best kept in the head.

I miss being a 90's kid.

and i really love to watch HEY ARNOLD, ROCKET POWER, WILD THORNBERRYS, AS TOLD BY GINGER! <3
MIGHTY DUCKS TOOOO!

okay! I'm going to Japanese garden for the first time to catch a glimpse of the METEOR SHOWER! I hope i do see it (:

This week marks the start of reading (study) week and the exams begin next week. Lots of cramping and self motivation to go. Somehow i don't have the drive and motivation to do anything at all. If i could, i would just dump everything that is going on and jet off to somewhere to be alone and away from all these mess and tangled emotions inside.

Other than the usual study schedules to school, there were two saving grace worth mentioning.

1) I got back my soci assignments and term paper. I did pretty well. B+ for a term paper is v good by my standards. I let out a sigh of small relief inside. I was worried sick about the paper since i felt that i didn't handled the paper the way it should be. So there, all the worrying was for nothing.

2) Just when i thought it's yet another lonesome trip home from school.. i coincidentally bumped into ernest at the bukit timah bus stop. He was wearing his army uniform and i didn't notice him at first. I was still in the sleepy mood when i got down the 151. It's something refreshing talking face to face for the first time with someone you've known since you were 14. Weird huh. He was going home and it was the same way as i was going. We took the same bus and we talked on the ride home. It was nice. Real nice. I was smiling inside :D Brings back the times i had a small crush on him HAHAHA.

I like unexpected coincidences like this. (:

Abigail @ 3 months old (i think). heehee. Saw her during mass today! She's so cute and adorable! She's so inquisitive and likes turn her head to look around her surroundings. She likes to frown her can't-be-seen eyebrows as if she is worrying/thinking what are the strange people looking at her making funny noises. She has this baby smell that i loveee and skin that is flawlessly soft. My mom has been complimenting her ever since i showed her this picture. Sorry for the over enthusiastic mood here. It's beeen a long time the extended family has a baby. She's such a darling. AWWWW <3

Look here i am lying on my bed, typing this as i reminisce about everything. 

And for what it is worth, i remember every detail that we spent together. 

so long my friend, don't say goodbye
just give me one last kiss beneath this glowing sky.
we'll go walking through the park
and hang out in the rain.
tell a joke and watch me smile
as we drink away the day.

and know the next time that you make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do and every night
I'm all alone in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you.

hello again, it's been to long.
what happened to our love
since the last time I was gone?

I detach myself again
and lose something everytime. 
the solutions in the problem temporarily alright.

and know the next time that you make a wish upon a star
that sometimes it might actually come true.
our conversation can't consist of hello and goodbye
and the silence between saying I love you.
and sometimes I wonder 'bout that too.

This is it sam. You know this is finally the time you dread and you need to let go. It finally came. You know you had to say all those advice and you meant it inside. I am so proud of you to say it with such maturity that was undiscovered previously. I am proud you were a friend and not an emotional gripping bitch. Even though you will have second thoughts in the future (or maybe nearer, like tmr), just remind yourself that it's worth it, to make him happy. (: